[Phone rings]
Man: Hello, Palace.
Guido: G’day mate, my name is Guido Hatzis, right,
M: Yes?
G: and I read in the paper today that the queen is coming to
Australia next year.
M: Yes Yes, where are you calling from?
G: Mate I call from Australia. Now Im prepared to let the
old lady stay at my place, alright?
M: Err, who is this?
G: Mate it’s Guido Hatzis, alright?
M: Ahh, where are you from?
G: Mate I told you before alright you deaf pommy poof, alright,
Im from Australia, alright?
M: I beg your pardon? you can’t-
G: Nah, nah mate listen to me, listen to me, alright?
M: You can’t speak to me like that!
G: Nah I will speak to you like that, alright? Im ringing to
tell you that the Queen can stay at my place but only on the
couch mate, alright?
M: Err, I’m fine? Look?
G: Nah, nah mate, are you a beefeater, is that what you are?
M: I beg your pardon?
G: Mate are you a beefeater? Cos I tell ya, the next thing you’ll
eat mate is a knuckle sandwich from me, right?
M: Look, if you have any specific comments, I can write them in
the book and pass them on.
G: Nah, nah, mate, write in the book alright, write it right now,
You are a dick-head Pommy poof, alright, can you spell that?
M: I’m Sorry.
G: Nah, nah, mate I am sorry that I speak to you, you’re the
dickhead mate, you need to get me the Queen on the phone now,
alright?
M: I’m sorry?
G: Yeah, you say sorry alot mate, Id be sorry if I had a head
like you mate, alright?
M: Listen, if you have any specific enquiries about the Royal Family-
G: Nah, nah, mate, I’ll start again, alright, cause you’re a stupid
pommy poofter alright, so what we do, right, the Queen, she come
and stay at my place, alright, two days a week she work at my
Nanna’s fish and chip shop, alright?
M: (mumbling) Ridiculous.
G: Nah, mate, ridiculous? It will be, she will get the sack if she
steal any pickled onions alright?
M: I dont believe this!
G: Nah, nah mate, I am tired of speaking to you, I will go now, alright?
M: Look, if you have any specific enquiries about the royal family,
you can leave them here, with, and I will write them in the book
and pass them on.
G: Mate, alright, you write ’em in the book, alright, why are they a
bunch of skippy poofs?
Question mark, Guido Hatzis, goodbye.
[Guido hangs up]