Dungeons and Dragons by Dr. Demento
Narrator Dungeons and Dragons, Satans game. Your children like it or not, are attracted in their weaker years to the Occult and a game like DD fuels their imagination and makes them feel special, while drawing them deeper and deeper into the bowels of El Diablo. This afternoon the Dead Alewives watch tower invites you to sit in on an actual gaming session. Observe the previously unobservable as a hidden camera takes you to the inner sanctum of Dungeons and Dragons
Graham Galstaff you have entered the door to the north. You are now by yourself standing in a dark room, the pungent stench of mildew emanates off the wet dungeon walls.
Nightblade Where are the Cheetos!
Graham Theyre right next to you.
Galstaff I cast a spell.
Nightblade Wheres the Mountain Dew!
Graham In the Fridge. DUH!
Galstaff I wanna cast a spell.
Nightblade Can I have a Mountain Dew!
Graham Yes, you can have a Mountain Dew just go get it.
Galstaff I can cast any of these right, on the list?
Graham Yes, any any of the first level ones.
Nightblade Im gonna get a soda, any one want one? Hey Graham Im not in the room right?
Graham What room?
Galstaff I wanna cast magic missile.
Nightblade The room where hes casting all these spells from!
Graham He hasnt cast any thing yet.
Galstaff I am though if youd listen. Im casting Magic Missile.
Graham Why are you casting Magic Missile, theres nothing to attack here.
Galstaff I- I- Im attacking the darkness.
laughing
Graham Fine fine you attack the darkness theres an elf in front of you.
Picard Whoa! Thats me right?
Graham Hes wearing a brown tunic and he has gray hair and blue eyes.
Picard No I dont, I have gray eyes.
Graham Let me see that sheet.
Picard Well it says I have, well it says I have blue but I decided I wanted gray eyes.
Graham Whatever, ok, you guys can talk now if you want.
Galstaff Hello.
Picard Hello.
Galstaff I am Galstaff, Sorcerer of Light.
Picard Then how come you had to cast Magic Missile?
laughing
Graham Y- Y- Y- You guys are being attacked.
Nightblade Do I see that happening!?!
Graham NO! Youre outside by the tavern.
Nightblade Cool, I get drunk!
Graham Ugh. There are there are seven ogres surrounding you.
Picard How can they surround us? I had Mordenkainens Magical Watch Dog cast!
Graham No you didnt.
Nightblade Im getting drunk! Are there any girls there?
Picard I totally did. You asked me if I wanted any equipment before this adventure, and I said no, but I need material components for all my spells, so I cast Mordenkainens Faithful Watch Dog.
Graham But you never actually cast it.
Nightblade Roll the dice to see if Im getting drunk!
Graham Ugh. Yeah you are.
Nightblade Are there any girls there?
Graham Yeah!
Picard I did though I completely said when you asked me…
Graham No you didnt. You didnt actually say that you were casting the spell so now theres ogres. Ok.
Nightblade OGRES!?! Man, I got an ogre slaying knife! Its got a 9 against ogres!
Graham Youre not there, youre getting DRUNK!
Nightblade Ok, but if theres any girls there I wanna do them!
Narrator There you have it. A frightening look into Americas most frightening past time. Remember that its not you childrens fault thats their being drawn into a satanic world of nightmare. Its their gym teachers fault for making them feel out cast when they couldnt do one single pull up.